On Resilience After Projective Identification

I spent a few hours a day for the past four days thinking about, preparing for, and presenting my video presentation on the updates to the Variation Regulation in the EU.

I feel rightly proud of it and of all of the presentations that I have completed and uploaded to my channel. I am just struck by the fact that some people actually tried to convince me that I was incompetent. I should never have been forced to showcase my work to counter this false narrative; however, I am thankful for the opportunity that it presented, because it forced me to develop in a way that I could never have predicted. So, I am grateful to my adversaries for making me the person I have become.

As a counsellor, I understand it now; when I look back and reflect, I can label it as projective identification. This is where one person (or more than one) attributes an unconscious feeling or trait to another person and then, through subtle or overt behaviour, actually induces that person to feel and act out that specific trait. From a psychological perspective, I understand that the label “incompetent” does not apply to me; it was some other person’s defence mechanism.

I would propose that it also applies to other “attributes” that people have applied to me in the past. For example, it is not me that experiences “hatred”. I don’t hate any one category; it is some other person’s hatred for me. After all, you wouldn’t treat anyone the way that I have been treated these past six years. If anyone wanted an example of what hatred looks like, I suggest that they consider what has happened to me—that is hatred. Anyone who says “this is not so”, I would argue that they are in denial.

Another example of projective identification is the label “victim’s mentality”. As a counsellor, when I reflect on myself, I understand that I do not—in any way, shape, or form—have a victim’s mentality. If I did, I would never have achieved the accomplishments that I have over these past three years, all by myself and with no support, dealing with one obstacle after another constantly thrown in my direction.

An even funnier form of projective identification is the accusation that I lack “resilience”; I have incredible resilience. I have stood up for my rights, my autonomy, and my dignity. I have fought an unfair fight where my adversaries abused the structures of a company against an individual—me. I have developed myself in a way that would never have been possible in the environment that I left. I am actually very proud of what I have achieved on my own.

I would suggest that the people who say that I lack resilience take a good look in the mirror, and if they see any reflection staring back at them, I would suggest they ask that person in the mirror who is the one truly lacking in resilience. Resilience to admit when one has made a mistake; resilience to let go and let other people who you may have wronged get on with their lives; resilience to bear embarrassment with humility and grace. Resilience to wish others good luck and not to harm them.

I notice that every time I build something, some other person seeks to tear it down; I create, others seek to destroy. It is truly sad.

I guess I must be powerful. I must be a threat. I must be very competent, very strong, very capable—very good. Otherwise, why bother? Why would anyone spend all of these resources and energy (including emotional energy) bothering with someone who was ordinary? Or… it is to prevent something from being revealed.

It is for this reason that I resist placing myself in the orbit of people who seek to tear me down and destroy me as opposed to nurture and grow.

Trust is one of those tricky emotions. Once it is lost, nothing you can ever do can get it back. It is gone forever—especially after this.