On Resilience After Projective Identification

I spent a few hours a day for the past four days thinking about, preparing for, and presenting my video presentation on the updates to the Variation Regulation in the EU.

I feel rightly proud of it and of all of the presentations that I have completed and uploaded to my channel. I am just struck by the fact that some people actually tried to convince me that I was incompetent. I should never have been forced to showcase my work to counter this false narrative; however, I am thankful for the opportunity that it presented, because it forced me to develop in a way that I could never have predicted. So, I am grateful to my adversaries for making me the person I have become.

As a counsellor, I understand it now; when I look back and reflect, I can label it as projective identification. This is where one person (or more than one) attributes an unconscious feeling or trait to another person and then, through subtle or overt behaviour, actually induces that person to feel and act out that specific trait. From a psychological perspective, I understand that the label “incompetent” does not apply to me; it was some other person’s defence mechanism.

I would propose that it also applies to other “attributes” that people have applied to me in the past. For example, it is not me that experiences “hatred”. I don’t hate any one category; it is some other person’s hatred for me. After all, you wouldn’t treat anyone the way that I have been treated these past six years. If anyone wanted an example of what hatred looks like, I suggest that they consider what has happened to me—that is hatred. Anyone who says “this is not so”, I would argue that they are in denial.

Another example of projective identification is the label “victim’s mentality”. As a counsellor, when I reflect on myself, I understand that I do not—in any way, shape, or form—have a victim’s mentality. If I did, I would never have achieved the accomplishments that I have over these past three years, all by myself and with no support, dealing with one obstacle after another constantly thrown in my direction.

An even funnier form of projective identification is the accusation that I lack “resilience”; I have incredible resilience. I have stood up for my rights, my autonomy, and my dignity. I have fought an unfair fight where my adversaries abused the structures of a company against an individual—me. I have developed myself in a way that would never have been possible in the environment that I left. I am actually very proud of what I have achieved on my own.

I would suggest that the people who say that I lack resilience take a good look in the mirror, and if they see any reflection staring back at them, I would suggest they ask that person in the mirror who is the one truly lacking in resilience. Resilience to admit when one has made a mistake; resilience to let go and let other people who you may have wronged get on with their lives; resilience to bear embarrassment with humility and grace. Resilience to wish others good luck and not to harm them.

I notice that every time I build something, some other person seeks to tear it down; I create, others seek to destroy. It is truly sad.

I guess I must be powerful. I must be a threat. I must be very competent, very strong, very capable—very good. Otherwise, why bother? Why would anyone spend all of these resources and energy (including emotional energy) bothering with someone who was ordinary? Or… it is to prevent something from being revealed.

It is for this reason that I resist placing myself in the orbit of people who seek to tear me down and destroy me as opposed to nurture and grow.

Trust is one of those tricky emotions. Once it is lost, nothing you can ever do can get it back. It is gone forever—especially after this.

Trauma

A person can become traumatised when a detrimental event occurs that overwhelms their ability to cope. Examples include war, sexual assault or rape, taking the life of another human being, and prolonged experiences of sexual harassment, bullying, and stalking.

Trauma is fundamentally a violation. It usually occurs because of a perpetrator—someone who has severely violated another person’s human rights and personal or psychological safety, often leading to feelings of helplessness, resentment, and betrayal.

This is very different from embarrassment.

Embarrassment occurs when an individual does or says something they feel ashamed or exposed about, either at the time or afterward. The person could be acutely or mildly embarrassed. Here are two examples:

• Social Rejection: An incompetent suitor might publicly proclaim their affection for someone, making an unsolicited and unfounded claim that this individual will reciprocate or enter into a relationship. If the target individual refuses or rejects this proposition, it could be intensely embarrassing for the suitor. The suitor might feel upset because they felt shamed, exposed, or ridiculed since the target did not "go along" with the proposition and did nothing to save their face or reputation. This distress, while painful, is rooted in social discomfort and rejection, not a violation of personal safety. The suitor may feel particularly aggrieved because they might have been expecting kindness, especially if the target is a woman. In society, women have often been conditioned to be kind; therefore, a woman placing her rights and dignity above the incompetent suitor’s embarrassment might be perceived as “selfish” or “too sensitive” by the suitor, causing resentment. If a suitor is particularly distressed by such a situation, seeking counselling or developing rejection-resilience skills can help them become more resilient both with themselves and with others.

• Social Faux Pas: A less intense, but common example occurs when a person inadvertently calls a colleague by the wrong name during a crucial meeting, or trips and falls in a public, crowded space. The immediate, uncomfortable feeling of shame and exposure in these moments is embarrassment.

There is a profound difference between embarrassment and trauma. One should be transient and easily dismissed; the other can be profoundly life-changing. They are not equivalent, and no competent, ethical person should treat these two emotions equally.

Courage

It takes great courage to look at yourself and your actions and to say, 'I did something wrong here…'

I don’t know what mental gymnastics occurred in your head that justified you reading my personal diaries and entries. I don’t know.

If you have abandonment issues, you need to go and get counselling.

People come into our lives, and people leave our lives. The moment you start to believe and say that people don't have the right to leave our lives is when you become psychologically unhealthy.

That is when you start to justify reading a person’s personal diary entries without their consent, particularly when you have no relationship with them and are essentially strangers. You perform mental gymnastics, feeling you are 'entitled' to do so because of this or that reason.

At best, it is snooping; at worst, it is illegal. Even if you've used some legal loophole, it is the spirit of the law that has been broken, if not the letter of the law.

Aside from the legal implications, if it were possible for my opinion of such individuals to drop any further, it most certainly has reached a low level from which there is no coming back.

A Student of Psychotherapy

I am currently completing a counselling course and wanted to share one of the benefits that has been especially helpful and positive for me during this journey.

Studying counselling involves self-reflection and developing an understanding of my own psychology and my own responses. I can incorporate the skills gained into my everyday life and experiences. It provides me with a deep understanding of my motivation, the motivation of people around me, and a way of dealing with external stress—particularly in challenging situations where I have little or no control over external events.

In order to practice counselling, you need to develop and strengthen your skills in self-awareness through self-reflection. Fortunately, before taking this course, I practiced daily meditation, which is a very useful technique for the development of self-awareness.

However, one of the most valuable insights I’ve gained from this course is understanding that emotions do not necessarily originate from myself. Sometimes, how I feel, may be a reflection of how another person—whose behaviour is affecting me—is feeling. It is an empowering feeling, knowing and understanding that “this is not mine; it belongs to this person, or that person.” This distinction is not only personally liberating, but also a critical skill for being an effective counsellor.

People project all the time—everyone does, including myself. Projection is automatic, and people are often unconscious of the fact that they are doing it. So, as a counsellor, it becomes easier to understand a person's true emotional state, because while they may not realise they are projecting, I, as a counsellor, am aware that the emotion I’m experiencing is not mine.

I would encourage anyone interested in self-understanding to do a counselling or psychotherapy course, simply for the depth of insight it brings into the roots of your own and others’ emotions. It’s a journey worth taking.